Part 1 Chapter 33

THE LEAVEN AT WORK--NEKHLUDOFF'S DOMESTIC CHANGES.

The next morning Nekhludoff awoke, conscious that something had happened to him, and even before he had remembered what it was he knew it to be something important and good.

"Katusha--the trial!" Yes, he must stop lying and tell the whole truth.

By a strange coincidence on that very morning he received the long-expected letter from Mary Vasilievna, the wife of the Marechal de Noblesse, the very letter he particularly needed. She gave him full freedom, and wished him happiness in his intended marriage.

"Marriage!" he repeated with irony. "How far I am from all that at present."

And he remembered the plans he had formed the day before, to tell the husband everything, to make a clean breast of it, and express his readiness to give him any kind of satisfaction. But this morning this did not seem so easy as the day before. And, then, also, why make a man unhappy by telling him what he does not know? Yes, if he came and asked, he would tell him all, but to go purposely and tell--no! that was unnecessary.

And telling the whole truth to Missy seemed just as difficult this morning. Again, he could not begin to speak without offence. As in many worldly affairs, something had to remain unexpressed. Only one thing he decided on, i.e., not to visit there, and to tell the truth if asked.

But in connection with Katusha, nothing was to remain unspoken. "I shall go to the prison and shall tell her every thing, and ask her to forgive me. And if need be--yes, if need be, I shall marry her," he thought.

This idea, that he was ready to sacrifice all on moral grounds, and marry her, again made him feel very tender towards himself. Concerning money matters he resolved this morning to arrange them in accord with his conviction, that the holding of landed property was unlawful. Even if he should not be strong enough to give up everything, he would still do what he could, not deceiving himself or others.

It was long since he had met the coming day with so much energy. When Agraphena Petrovna came in, he told her, with more firmness than he thought himself capable of, that he no longer needed this lodging nor her services. There had been a tacit understanding that he was keeping up so large and expensive an establishment because he was thinking of getting married. The giving up of the house had, therefore, a special meaning. Agraphena Petrovna looked at him in surprise.

"I thank you very much, Agraphena Petrovna, for all your care for me, but I no longer require so large a house nor so many servants. If you wish to help me, be so good as to settle about the things, put them away as it used to be done during mamma's life, and when Natasha comes she will see to everything." Natasha was Nekhludoff's sister.

Agraphena Petrovna shook her head. "See about the things? Why, they'll be required again," she said.

"No, they won't, Agraphena Petrovna; I assure you they won't be required," said Nekhludoff, in answer to what the shaking of her head had expressed. "Please tell Corney also that I shall pay him two months' wages, but shall have no further need of him."

"It is a pity, Dmitri Ivanovitch, that you should think of doing this," she said. "Well, supposing you go abroad, still you'll require a place of residence again."

"You are mistaken in your thoughts, Agraphena Petrovna; I am not going abroad. If I go on a journey, it will be to quite a different place." He suddenly blushed very red. "Yes, I must tell her," he thought; "no hiding; everybody must be told."

"A very strange and important thing happened to me yesterday. Do you remember my Aunt Mary Ivanovna's Katusha?"

"Oh, yes. Why, I taught her how to sew."

"Well, this Katusha was tried in the Court and I was on the jury."

"Oh, Lord! What a pity!" cried Agraphena Petrovna. "What was she being tried for?"

"Murder; and it is I have done it all."

"Well, now this is very strange; how could you do it all?"

"Yes, I am the cause of it all; and it is this that has altered all my plans."

"What difference can it make to you?"

"This difference: that I, being the cause of her getting on to that path, must do all I can to help her."

"That is just according to your own good pleasure; you are not particularly in fault there. It happens to every one, and if one's reasonable, it all gets smoothed over and forgotten," she said, seriously and severely. "Why should you place it to your account? There's no need. I had already heard before that she had strayed from the right path. Well, whose fault is it?"

"Mine! that's why I want to put it right."

"It is hard to put right."

"That is my business. But if you are thinking about yourself, then I will tell you that, as mamma expressed the wish--"

"I am not thinking about myself. I have been so bountifully treated by the dear defunct, that I desire nothing. Lisenka" (her married niece) "has been inviting me, and I shall go to her when I am not wanted any longer. Only it is a pity you should take this so to heart; it happens to everybody."

"Well, I do not think so. And I still beg that you will help me let this lodging and put away the things. And please do not be angry with me. I am very, very grateful to you for all you have done."

And, strangely, from the moment Nekhludoff realised that it was he who was so bad and disgusting to himself, others were no longer disgusting to him; on the contrary, he felt a kindly respect for Agraphena Petrovna, and for Corney.

He would have liked to go and confess to Corney also, but Corney's manner was so insinuatingly deferential that he had not the resolution to do it.

On the way to the Law Courts, passing along the same streets with the same isvostchik as the day before, he was surprised what a different being he felt himself to be. The marriage with Missy, which only yesterday seemed so probable, appeared quite impossible now. The day before he felt it was for him to choose, and had no doubts that she would be happy to marry him; to-day he felt himself unworthy not only of marrying, but even of being intimate with her. "If she only knew what I am, nothing would induce her to receive me. And only yesterday I was finding fault with her because she flirted with N---. Anyhow, even if she consented to marry me, could I be, I won't say happy, but at peace, knowing that the other was here in prison, and would to-day or to-morrow he taken to Siberia with a gang of other prisoners, while I accepted congratulations and made calls with my young wife; or while I count the votes at the meetings, for and against the motion brought forward by the rural inspection, etc., together with the Marechal de Noblesse, whom I abominably deceive, and afterwards make appointments with his wife (how abominable!) or while I continue to work at my picture, which will certainly never get finished? Besides, I have no business to waste time on such things. I can do nothing of the kind now," he continued to himself, rejoicing at the change he felt within himself. "The first thing now is to see the advocate and find out his decision, and then . . . then go and see her and tell her everything."

And when he pictured to himself how he would see her, and tell her all, confess his sin to her, and tell her that he would do all in his power to atone for his sin, he was touched at his own goodness, and the tears came to his eyes.

聂赫留朵夫第二天一醒来，首先就意识到他遇上一件事。他甚至还没有弄清楚是什么事，就断定那是一件大好事。“卡秋莎，审判。”对了，再不能撒谎了，必须把全部真相说出来。说也凑巧，就在今天早晨他收到首席贵族夫人玛丽雅的来信。这封信聂赫留朵夫期待已久，现在对他特别重要。玛丽雅给了他充分自一由，祝他今后婚姻美满，生活幸福。

“婚姻！”他嘲弄地说。“我现在离那种事太远了！”

他记得昨天还准备把全部真相告诉她的丈夫，向他道歉，并且愿意听凭他发落。但今天早晨他觉得这事并不象昨天想的那么好办。“再说，既然他不知道，又何必使他难堪呢？如果他问起来，那我当然会告诉他。但何必主动去告诉他呢？不，这可没有必要。”

把全部真相都告诉米西，今天早晨他也觉得很困难。这种事确实很难启齿，会让人笑话的。世界上有些事只能心照不宣。今天早晨他做了决定：他不再上他们家去，但要是他们问起来，他就说实话。

不过，对卡秋莎什么事都不该隐瞒。

“我要到监牢里去一次，把事情都告诉她，请求她的饶恕。如果有必要，对，如果有必要的话，我就同她结婚，”他想。

不惜牺牲一切同她结婚，来达到道德上的完善，这个想法今天早晨他觉得特别亲切。

他好久没有这样一精一神抖擞地迎接新的一天了。阿格拉芬娜一进来，他就断然——连他自己都没有想到会那么果断——宣布，他不再需要这座住宅，也不再需要她的伺候了。原来他同阿格拉芬娜有一件事心照不宣，他保留这座租金昂贵的大住宅是为结婚用的。因此，退租一事就有特殊的含义。阿格拉芬娜惊讶地对他瞧瞧。

“非常感谢您对我的一切照顾，阿格拉芬娜，我今后不再需要这么大的住宅，也不需要仆人了。要是您愿意帮我的忙，那就麻烦您清理这些东西，暂且象一妈一妈一在世时那样把它们都收拾好。等娜塔莎来了，她会处理的。”娜塔莎是聂赫留朵夫的姐姐。

阿格拉芬娜摇摇头。

“怎么好处理呢？这些东西不是都要用的吗？”她说。

“不，用不着了，阿格拉芬娜，多半用不着了，”聂赫留朵夫看见她摇头，就这样回答。“还要请您费心对柯尔尼说一下，我多给他两个月工资，以后就不用他了。”

“德米特里·伊凡内奇，您这样做可不行啊！”她说。“嗯，您就是要到外国去一次，以后回来还是需要房子的。”

“您想错了，阿格拉芬娜。外国我不去；我要去也到别的地方去。”

他的脸刷地一下红了。

“对，应该告诉她，”聂赫留朵夫想，“不用隐瞒，应该把全部真相告诉一切人。”

“昨天我遇到一件意想不到的大事。您记得玛丽雅姑一妈一家的那个卡秋莎吗？”

“当然记得，针线活还是我教她的呢。”

“啊，就是那个卡秋莎昨天在法庭上受审判，正好碰到我做陪审员。”

“哎呀，老天爷，多可怜哪！”阿格拉芬娜说。“她犯了什么罪该受审判啊？”

“杀人罪。这一切都是我干的。”

“怎么会是您干的呢？您说得太奇怪了，”阿格拉芬娜说。

她那双老花眼闪出调皮的光辉。

她知道他同卡秋莎的那件事。

“是的，我是罪魁祸首。就因为这个缘故，我把我的全部计划都改变了。”

“那件事怎么会弄得您改变主意呢？”阿格拉芬娜忍住笑，说。

“既然我害她走上了那条路，我就应该尽我的力量帮助她。”

“这是因为您有一副好心肠，您没有什么了不起的大错。那种事谁都免不了。要是冷静想一想，这一切本来就无所谓，都会被忘记的。大家还不都是这样过，”阿格拉芬娜一本正经地说，“您也不必把一切责任都揽在自己身上。我早就听说她走上了邪路，那又能怪谁呢？”

“怪我。因此我想补救。”

“啊，这事可不好补救。”

“这可是我的责任。您要是有什么为难的地方，那就想想一妈一妈一生前怎么希望……”

“我倒没有什么为难的地方。我对先夫人一直感恩不尽，我也没有什么别的愿望。我的丽莎叫我去（丽莎是她已出嫁的侄女），等到这儿用不着我了，我就到她那儿去。您可不用把那种事放在心上，谁都免不了的。”

“嗯，我可不那么想。不过我还是请您帮我退掉这座住宅，把东西收拾收拾。您也别生我的气。您的种种好处我是非常感激的，非常感激的。”

说也奇怪，自从聂赫留朵夫认识到自己的卑鄙因而憎恨自己那时起，他就不再憎恨别人。相反，他却感到阿格拉芬娜和柯尔尼亲切而可敬。他很想把自己的悔恨心情告诉柯尔尼，但看到柯尔尼那副毕恭毕敬的样子，他又不敢这样做了。

聂赫留朵夫去法院，还是坐着原来那辆马车，经过平日经过的那些街道，但连他自己也觉得奇怪，他今天完全成了另一个人了。

同米西结婚，昨天他还觉得很称心，今天却觉得根本不可能。昨天他认为就自己的地位来说，她同他结婚无疑将得到幸福，今天他却觉得他不仅不配同她结婚，简直不配同她亲近。“只要她知道我是个怎样的人，就决不会同我来往了。我却还要埋怨她向那位先生卖弄风情呢。不行，就算她现在嫁给我，而我知道那个女人关在本地监狱里，明后天就要同大批犯人流放出去服苦役，难道我能幸福吗？不仅不能幸福，而且内心也不能平静。那个被我糟蹋的女人去服苦役，我却在这里接受人家的祝贺，还要带着年轻的妻子出去拜客。或者，我瞒住首席贵族，同他的妻子无一耻地勾搭，同时又同他一起出席会议，统计票数，看有多少人赞成、多少人反对由地方自治会监督学校和类似的提案，事后又约她幽会，这是多么卑鄙呀！或者，我将继续去画画，虽然明知那幅画永远也画不成，因为我根本就不该去干那种无聊的事。事实上我也根本无法做那种事，”他自言自语，由于内心发生的变化而暗自高兴。

“首先得去找律师，”他想，“听听他的意见，然后……然后到监狱里来看她，看昨天那个女犯人，把全部真相都告诉她。”

他一想到怎样跟她见面，怎样把心里话都讲给她听，怎样向她认罪，为了赎罪他什么都愿意做，甚至愿意同她结婚，——他一想到这儿，心情异常激动，泪水忍不住夺眶而出。