Chapter 16

那天夜里，有只蝙蝠从阳台上那道敞开的门飞进来。我们就从那道门眺望着米兰屋顶上的夜空。我们的房间很暗，只映着外边城市上空的那一点微微的夜光，因此蝙蝠一点也不害怕，在房间里照旧猎食，仿佛就在屋外边似的。我们躺着看它，它大概没看见我们，因为我们静悄悄地躺着。它飞出去后，我们看见一道探照灯光，我们看着光柱在天空中移动，随后灭了，于是又是一片黑暗。夜里起了一阵微风，我们听见隔壁屋顶上高射炮队人员的谈话声。夜里阴凉，他们都穿上了披风。夜间我怕有人会闯进来，但是凯瑟琳说他们都在睡觉。有一次我们睡去了，等我醒来时，她已不在，但我听见她沿着走廊走近来的响声，门打开了，她又回到床上，说她下楼去看过，他们都在睡觉。她曾在范坎本女士门外站了一会，听见她睡着的鼾声。她拿来一些饼干，我们吃饼干，还喝了些味美思。我们都很饿，但是她说我多吃也没有用，早上就得清肠胃。早上，天一亮我又睡着了，醒来时她又不在了。她进来时清新可爱，往我床上一坐。当我口里衔着体温计时，太阳出来了，我们闻得到屋顶上的露水气息，随后又闻到隔壁屋顶上高射炮人员喝的咖啡的香味。

“我真想我们一同出去散步一下，”凯瑟琳说。“我们要是有轮椅的话，我就可以推着你走走。”

“我怎么坐上那种车子去呢？”

“总有法子想的。”

“我们可以上公园去，在露天的地方用早点。”我眺望着敞开的阳台门外的景色。

“我们实在要做的，”她说，“倒是给你做好准备，等待你那个朋友瓦伦蒂尼医生来。”

“依我看，他是个很了不起的人。”

“我倒没像你那样喜欢他。但是我想他是很行的。”

“回到床上来，凯瑟琳。请，”我说。

“不行。我们不是已经快快活活地过了一夜吗？”

“今天夜里你可不可以再值夜班？”

“也许可以。可是你不会需要我。”

“不，我会需要你的。”

“不，你不会的。你没动过手术。你不知道手术后人怎么样。”

“我没问题。”

“你一定会恶心得不好受，我就不能给你什么了。”

“那么现在就回到床上来吧。”

“不，”她说。“我得填体温表，亲爱的，还得把你准备好。”

“你并不真心爱我，否则你会回到床上来的。”

“你真是个多么傻的孩子。”她吻吻我。“这对体温不妨事。你的体温总是正常的。你有个可爱的体温。”

“你样样东西都可爱。”

“哪里。你有可爱的体温。我觉得十分光采。”

“也许我们的孩子都会有可爱的体温。”

“我们的孩子大概会有很坏的体温。”

“为瓦伦蒂尼给我做的准备，你还得做什么？”

“事情倒不多。不过相当不愉快。”

“我希望这种事不必由你来做。”

“本来不该我做。不过我不要别人碰你。我真傻。他们一碰你，我就光火。”

“甚至弗格逊？”

“尤其是弗格逊、盖琪，还有那个叫什么的？”

“华克？”

“对啦。现在这儿的护士太多了。要是病人不增加的话，人家就要撵我们走了。现在已经有四名护士了。”

“也许会有病人的。四名护士也不算多。这是一所相当大的医院啊。”

“我也盼着有病人来。要是人家叫我走，我怎么办？倘若病人不增加，人家准会撵我走。”

“那么我也走。”

“别瞎说。你还不能够走。你还是赶快复原，亲爱的，我们一块儿上旁的地方去。”

“那以后呢？”

“也许战争就结束了。不会老是打个不停啊。”

“我会复原的，”我说。“瓦伦蒂尼会治好我的。”

“他留着那样的小胡子，一定行。还有，亲爱的，当你上麻药时，随便想什么都行——千万别想你和我。因为人一上麻醉药，什么话都会说出来的。”

“那么我该想什么呢？”

“随便什么。除了你我之外，随便什么都行。想想你的家人。或者甚至另外一个女人。”

“不行。”

“那么就念祷告文好了。这样该能给人家一个很好的印象。”“也许我不说话。”

“这倒是真的。常常有些人不说话。”

“我就不说话。”

“别吹，亲爱的。请你别吹。你已经满好了，用不到再夸口了。”

“我一句话都不说。”

“这就是夸口，亲爱的。你明知道你不必吹。人家吩咐你深呼吸时，你就开始念祷告文，或者背诵诗歌，或者别的什么。这一来你就很可爱，我就觉得有光采。我是无论如何都为你感到光采的。你有个可爱的体温，睡觉时像个小孩，胳臂抱着枕头，以为抱的是我。或者以为是别的姑娘吧？一个好看的意大利姑娘？”

“是你。”

“自然是我啦。哦，我真爱你，瓦伦蒂尼一定会给你一条好好的腿。幸喜动手术时用不着我到场。”

“还有你今天夜里值夜班。”

“是的。不过这对你是无所谓的。”

“等着瞧吧。”

“好了，亲爱的。现在你里里外外都弄干净了。告诉我吧。你爱过多少人？”

“一个也没有。”

“连我也不爱？”

“只有你是爱的。”

“说真话，还有多少人你爱过的？”

“一个都没有。”

“有多少人跟你——你们是怎么说的？——好过？”

“没有人。”

“你在向我撒谎。”

“是的。”

“那也没关系。你尽管撒谎好了。我就要你这么做。她们长得漂亮吗？”

“我从来没跟人好过。”

“对啦。她们很迷人吗？”

“我什么都不知道。”

“你只属于我一个人的。这是真的，你从未属于过任何人。其实我也不在乎。我不怕她们。但是对我可别提起她们来。一个男人跟一个姑娘好的时候，姑娘在什么时候说出价钱来？”

“我不知道。”

“你当然不知道啦。她也说她爱他吗？告诉我吧。这个我要知道。”

“说的。要是他要她说的话。”

“他说不说爱她呢？请你告诉我。这是重要的。”

“他想说他就说。”

“但是你可从未说过吧？真的吗？”

“没说过。”

“真的吗？给我说老实话。”

“没说过，”我撒谎道。

“你不会说的，”她说。“我知道你不会说的。哦，我爱你啊，亲爱的。”

外边太阳已经升到屋顶上，我望得见阳光照耀的大教堂的尖顶。我里里外外都干干净净，等待医生。

“原来就是这样子吗？”凯瑟琳说。“她只说他要她说的？”

“那也不一定。”

“但是我一定要这么做。你要我说什么我就说什么，你要我做什么我就做什么，那样你就再也不会要旁的姑娘了吧？”她很快乐地望着我。“我做你所要做的，说你所要说的，那样我一定会大获成功，可不是吗？”

“是的。”

“你现在一切都准备好了，还要我做什么呢？”

“再上床来。”

“好的。我就来。”

“哦，亲爱的，亲爱的，亲爱的，”我说。

“你瞧，”她说。“你要我做什么我就做什么。”

“你真可爱。”

“我倒怕自己还不大熟练哪。”

“你是可爱的。”

“我要的就是你所要的。我已经不再存在。只要你的需要。”“你太可爱了。”

“我行。我行吧？你以后再也不要旁的姑娘了吧？”

“不要了。”

“你瞧？我行。你要我怎么样我就怎么样。”

That night a bat flew into the room through the open door that led onto the balcony and through which we watched the night over the roofs of the town. It was dark in our room except for the small light of the night over the town and the bat was not frightened but hunted in the room as though he had been outside. We lay and watched him and I do not think he saw us because we lay so still. After he went out we saw a searchlight come on and watched the beam move across the sky and then go off and it was dark again. A breeze came in the night and we heard the men of the anti-aircraft gun on the next roof talking. It was cool and they were putting on their capes. I worried in the night about some one coming up but Catherine said they were all asleep. Once in the night we went to sleep and when I woke she was not there but I heard her coming along the hall and the door opened and she came back to the bed and said it was all right she had been downstairs and they were all asleep. She had been outside Miss Van Campen's door and heard her breathing in her sleep. She brought crackers and we ate them and drank some vermouth. We were very hungry but she said that would all have to be gotten out of me in the morning. I went to sleep again in the morning when it was light and when I was awake I found she was gone again. She came in looking fresh and lovely and sat on the bed and the sun rose while I had the thermometer in my mouth and we smelled the dew on the roofs and then the coffee of the men at the gun on the next roof.

"I wish we could go for a walk," Catherine said. "I'd wheel you if we had a chair."

"How would I get into the chair?"

"We'd do it."

"We could go out to the park and have breakfast outdoors." I looked out the open doorway.

"What we'll really do," she said, "is get you ready for your friend Dr. Valentini."

"I thought he was grand."

"I didn't like him as much as you did. But I imagine he's very good."

"Come back to bed, Catherine. Please," I said.

"I can't. Didn't we have a lovely night?"

"And can you be on night duty to-night?"

"I probably will. But you won't want me."

"Yes, I will."

"No, you won't. You've never been operated on. You don't know how you'll be."

"I'll be all right."

"You'll be sick and I won't be anything to you."

"Come back then now."

"No," she said. "I have to do the chart, darling, and fix you up."

"You don't really love me or you'd come back again."

"You're such a silly boy." She kissed me. "That's all right for the chart. Your temperature's always normal. You've such a lovely temperature."

"You've got a lovely everything."

"Oh no. You have the lovely temperature. I'm awfully proud of your temperature."

"Maybe all our children will have fine temperatures."

"Our children will probably have beastly temperatures."

"What do you have to do to get me ready for Valentini?"

"Not much. But quite unpleasant."

"I wish you didn't have to do it."

"I don't. I don't want any one else to touch you. I'm silly. I get furious if they couch you."

"Even Ferguson?"

"Especially Ferguson and Gage and the other, what's her name?"

"Walker?"

"That's it. They've too many nurses here now. There must be some more patients or they'll send us away. They have four nurses now."

"Perhaps there'll be some. They need that many nurses. It's quite a big hospital."

"I hope some will come. What would I do if they sent me away? They will unless there are more patients."

"I'd go too."

"Don't be silly. You can't go yet. But get well quickly, darling, and we will go somewhere."

"And then what?"

"Maybe the war will be over. It can't always go on."

"I'll get well," I said. "Valentini will fix me."

"He should with those mustaches. And, darling, when you're going under the ether just think about something else--not us. Because people get very blabby under an anaesthetic."

"What should I think about?"

"Anything. Anything but us. Think about your people. Or even any other girl."

"No.''

"Say your prayers then. That ought to create a splendid impression."

"Maybe I won't talk."

"That's true. Often people don't talk."

"I won't talk."

"Don't brag, darling. Please don't brag. You're so sweet and you don't have to brag."

"I won't talk a word."

"Now you're bragging, darling. You know you don't need to brag. Just start your prayers or poetry or something when they tell you to breathe deeply. You'll be lovely that way and I'll be so proud of you. I'm very proud of you anyway. You have such a lovely temperature and you sleep like a little boy with your arm around the pillow and think it's me. Or is it some other girl? Some fine Italian girl?"

"It's you."

"Of course it's me. Oh I do love you and Valentini will make you a fine leg. I'm glad I don't have to watch it."

"And you'll be on night duty to-night."

"Yes. But you won't care."

"You wait and see."

"There, darling. Now you're all clean inside and out. Tell me. How many people have you ever loved?"

"Nobody."

"Not me even?"

"Yes, you."

"How many others really?"

"None."

"How many have you--how do you say it?--stayed with?"

"None."

"You're lying to me."

"Yes."

"It's all right. Keep right on lying to me. That's what I want you to do. Were they pretty?"

"I never stayed with any one."

"That's right. Were they very attractive?"

"I don't know anything about it."

"You're just mine. That's true and you've never belonged to any one else. But I don't care if you have. I'm not afraid of them. But don't tell me about them. When a man stays with a girl when does she say how much it costs?"

"I don't know."

"Of course not. Does she say she loves him? Tell me that. I want to know that."

"Yes. If he wants her to."

"Does he say he loves her? Tell me please. It's important."

"He does if he wants to."

"But you never did? Really?"

"No."

"Not really. Tell me the truth."

"No," I lied.

"You wouldn't," she said. "I knew you wouldn't. Oh, I love you, darling."

Outside the sun was up over the roofs and I could see the points of the cathedral with the sunlight on them. I was clean inside and outside and waiting for the doctor.

"And that's it?" Catherine said. "She says just what he wants her to?"

"Not always."

"But I will. I'll say just what you wish and I'll do what you wish and then you will never want any other girls, will you?" She looked at me very happily. "I'll do what you want and say what you want and then I'll be a great success, won't I?"

"Yes."

"What would you like me to do now that you're all ready?"

"Come to the bed again."

"All right. I'll come."

"Oh, darling, darling, darling," I said.

"You see," she said. "I do anything you want."

"You're so lovely."

"I'm afraid I'm not very good at it yet."

"You're lovely."

"I want what you want. There isn't any me any more. Just what you want."

"You sweet."

"I'm good. Aren't I good? You don't want any other girls, do you?"

"No."

"You see? I'm good. I do what you want."