Chapter 44

IN the room where the dressing-table stood, and where the wax candles burnt on the wall, I found Miss Havisham and Estella; Miss Havisham seated on a settee near the fire, and Estella on a cushion at her feet. Estella was knitting, and Miss Havisham was looking on. They both raised their eyes as I went in, and both saw an alteration in me. I derived that, from the look they interchanged.
`And what wind,' said Miss Havisham, `blows you here, Pip?'

Though she looked steadily at me, I saw that she was rather confused. Estella, pausing a moment in her knitting with her eyes upon me, and then going on, I fancied that I read in the action of her fingers, as plainly as if she had told me in the dumb alphabet, that she perceived I had discovered my real benefactor.

`Miss Havisham,' said I, `I went to Richmond yesterday, to speak to Estella; and finding that some wind had blown her here, I followed.'

Miss Havisham motioning to me for the third or fourth time to sit down, I took the chair by the dressing-table, which I had often seen her occupy. With all that ruin at my feet and about me, it seemed a natural place for me, that day.

`What I had to say to Estella, Miss Havisham, I will say before you, presently - in a few moments. It will not surprise you, it will not displease you. I am as unhappy as you can ever have meant me to be.'

Miss Havisham continued to look steadily at me. I could see in the action of Estella's fingers as they worked, that she attended to what I said: but she did not look up.

`I have found out who my patron is. It is not a fortunate discovery, and is not likely ever to enrich me in reputation, station, fortune, anything. There are reasons why I must say no more of that. It is not my secret, but another's.'

As I was silent for a while, looking at Estella and considering how to go on, Miss Havisham repeated, `It is not your secret, but another's. Well?'

`When you first caused me to be brought here, Miss Havisham; when I belonged to the village over yonder, that I wish I had never left; I suppose I did really come here, as any other chance boy might have come - as a kind of servant, to gratify a want or a whim, and to be paid for it?'

`Ay, Pip,' replied Miss Havisham, steadily nodding her head; `you did.'

`And that Mr Jaggers--'

`Mr Jaggers,' said Miss Havisham, taking me up in a firm tone, `had nothing to do with it, and knew nothing of it. His being my lawyer, and his being the lawyer of your patron, is a coincidence. He holds the same relation towards numbers of people, and it might easily arise. Be that as it may, it did arise, and was not brought about by any one.'

Any one might have seen in her haggard face that there was no suppression or evasion so far.

`But when I fell into the mistake I have so long remained in, at least you led me on?' said I.

`Yes,' she returned, again nodding, steadily, `I let you go on.'

`Was that kind?'

`Who am I,' cried Miss Havisham, striking her stick upon the floor and flashing into wrath so suddenly that Estella glanced up at her in surprise, `who am I, for God's sake, that I should be kind?'

It was a weak complaint to have made, and I had not meant to make it. I told her so, as she sat brooding after this outburst.

`Well, well, well!' she said. `What else?'

`I was liberally paid for my old attendance here,' I said, to soothe her, `in being apprenticed, and I have asked these questions only for my own information. What follows has another (and I hope more disinterested) purpose. In humouring my mistake, Miss Havisham, you punished - practised on - perhaps you will supply whatever term expresses your intention, without offence - your self-seeking relations?'

`I did. Why, they would have it so! So would you. What has been my history, that I should be at the pains of entreating either them, or you, not to have it so! You made your own snares. I never made them.'

Waiting until she was quiet again - for this, too, flashed out of her in a wild and sudden way - I went on.

`I have been thrown among one family of your relations, Miss Havisham, and have been constantly among them since I went to London. I know them to have been as honestly under my delusion as I myself. And I should be false and base if I did not tell you, whether it is acceptable to you or no, and whether you are inclined to give credence to it or no, that you deeply wrong both Mr Matthew Pocket and his son Herbert, if you suppose them to be otherwise than generous, upright, open, and incapable of anything designing or mean.'

`They are your friends,' said Miss Havisham.

`They made themselves my friends,' said I, `when they supposed me to have superseded them; and when Sarah Pocket, Miss Georgiana, and Mistress Camilla, were not my friends, I think.'

This contrasting of them with the rest seemed, I was glad to see, to do them good with her. She looked at me keenly for a little while, and then said quietly:

`What do you want for them?'

`Only,' said I, `that you would not confound them with the others. They may be of the same blood, but, believe me, they are not of the same nature.'

Still looking at me keenly, Miss Havisham repeated:

`What do you want for them?'

`I am not so cunning, you see,' I said, in answer, conscious that I reddened a little, `as that I could hide from you, even if I desired, that I do want something. Miss Havisham, if you would spare the money to do my friend Herbert a lasting service in life, but which from the nature of the case must be done without his knowledge, I could show you how.'

`Why must it be done without his knowledge?' she asked, settling her hands upon her stick, that she might regard me the more attentively.

`Because,' said I, `I began the service myself, more than two years ago, without his knowledge, and I don't want to be betrayed. Why I fail in my ability to finish it, I cannot explain. It is a part of the secret which is another person's and not mine.'

She gradually withdrew her eyes from me, and turned them on the fire. After watching it for what appeared in the silence and by the light of the slowly wasting candles to be a long time, she was roused by the collapse of some of the red coals, and looked towards me again - at first, vacantly - then, with a gradually concentrating attention. All this time, Estella knitted on. When Miss Havisham had fixed her attention on me, she said, speaking as if there had been no lapse in our dialogue:

`What else?'

`Estella,' said I, turning to her now, and trying to command my trembling voice, `you know I love you. You know that I have loved you long and dearly.'

She raised her eyes to my face, on being thus addressed, and her fingers piled their work, and she looked at me with an unmoved countenance. I saw that Miss Havisham glanced from me to her, and from her to me.

`I should have said this sooner, but for my long mistake. It induced me to hope that Miss Havisham meant us for one another. While I thought you could not help yourself, as it were, I refrained from saying it. But I must say it now.'

Preserving her unmoved countenance, and with her fingers still going, Estella shook her head.

`I know,' said I, in answer to that action; `I know. I have no hope that I shall ever call you mine, Estella. I am ignorant what may become of me very soon, how poor I may be, or where I may go. Still, I love you. I have loved you ever since I first saw you in this house.'

Looking at me perfectly unmoved and with her fingers busy, she shook her head again.

`It would have been cruel in Miss Havisham, horribly cruel, to practise on the susceptibility of a poor boy, and to torture me through all these years with a vain hope and an idle pursuit, if she had reflected on the gravity of what she did. But I think she did not. I think that in the endurance of her own trial, she forgot mine, Estella.'

I saw Miss Havisham put her hand to her heart and hold it there, as she sat looking by turns at Estella and at me.

`It seems,' said Estella, very calmly, `that there are sentiments, fancies - I don't know how to call them - which I am not able to comprehend. When you say you love me, I know what you mean, as a form of words; but nothing more. You address nothing in my breast, you touch nothing there. I don't care for what you say at all. I have tried to warn you of this; now, have I not?'

I said in a miserable manner, `Yes.'

`Yes. But you would not be warned, for you thought I did not mean it. Now, did you not think so?'

`I thought and hoped you could not mean it. You, so young, untried, and beautiful, Estella! Surely it is not in Nature.'

`It is in my nature,' she returned. And then she added, with a stress upon the words, `It is in the nature formed within me. I make a great difference between you and all other people when I say so much. I can do no more.'

`Is it not true,' said I, `that Bentley Drummle is in town here, and pursuing you?'

`It is quite true,' she replied, referring to him with the indifference of utter contempt.

`That you encourage him, and ride out with him, and that he dines with you this very day?'

She seemed a little surprised that I should know it, but again replied, `Quite true.'

`You cannot love him, Estella!'

Her fingers stopped for the first time, as she retorted rather angrily, `What have I told you? Do you still think, in spite of it, that I do not mean what I say?'

`You would never marry him, Estella?'

She looked towards Miss Havisham, and considered for a moment with her work in her hands. Then she said, `Why not tell you the truth? I am going to be married to him.'

I dropped my face into my hands, but was able to control myself better than I could have expected, considering what agony it gave me to hear her say those words. When I raised my face again, there was such a ghastly look upon Miss Havisham's, that it impressed me, even in my passionate hurry and grief.

`Estella, dearest dearest Estella, do not let Miss Havisham lead you into this fatal step. Put me aside for ever - you have done so, I well know - but bestow yourself on some worthier person than Drummle. Miss Havisham gives you to him, as the greatest slight and injury that could be done to the many far better men who admire you, and to the few who truly love you. Among those few, there may be one who loves you even as dearly, though he has not loved you as long, as I. Take him, and I can bear it better, for your sake!'

My earnestness awoke a wonder in her that seemed as if it would have been touched with compassion, if she could have rendered me at all intelligible to her own mind.

`I am going,' she said again, in a gentler voice, `to be married to him. The preparations for my marriage are making, and I shall be married soon. Why do you injuriously introduce the name of my mother by adoption? It is my own act.'

`Your own act, Estella, to fling yourself away upon a brute?'

`On whom should I fling myself away?' she retorted, with a smile. `Should I fling myself away upon the man who would the soonest feel (if people do feel such things) that I took nothing to him? There! It is done. I shall do well enough, and so will my husband. As to leading me into what you call this fatal step, Miss Havisham would have had me wait, and not marry yet; but I am tired of the life I have led, which has very few charms for me, and I am willing enough to change it. Say no more. We shall never understand each other.'

`Such a mean brute, such a stupid brute!' I urged in despair.

`Don't be afraid of my being a blessing to him,' said Estella; `I shall not be that. Come! Here is my hand. Do we part on this, you visionary boy - or man?'

`O Estella!' I answered, as my bitter tears fell fast on her hand, do what I would to restrain them; `even if I remained in England and could hold my head up with the rest, how could I see you Drummle's wife?'

`Nonsense,' she returned, `nonsense. This will pass in no time.'

`Never, Estella!'

`You will get me out of your thoughts in a week.'

`Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since - on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!'

In what ecstasy of unhappiness I got these broken words out of myself, I don't know. The rhapsody welled up within me, like blood from an inward wound, and gushed out. I held her hand to my lips some lingering moments, and so I left her. But ever afterwards, I remembered - and soon afterwards with stronger reason - that while Estella looked at me merely with incredulous wonder, the spectral figure of Miss Havisham, her hand still covering her heart, seemed all resolved into a ghastly stare of pity and remorse.

All done, all gone! So much was done and gone, that when I went out at the gate, the light of the day seemed of a darker colour than when I went in. For a while, I hid myself among some lanes and by-paths, and then struck off to walk all the way to London. For, I had by that time come to myself so far, as to consider that I could not go back to the inn and see Drummle there; that I could not bear to sit upon the coach and be spoken to; that I could do nothing half so good for myself as tire myself out.

It was past midnight when I crossed London Bridge. Pursuing the narrow intricacies of the streets which at that time tended westward near the Middlesex shore of the river, my readiest access to the Temple was close by the river-side, through Whitefriars. I was not expected till to-morrow, but I had my keys, and, if Herbert were gone to bed, could get to bed myself without disturbing him.

As it seldom happened that I came in at that Whitefriars gate after the Temple was closed, and as I was very muddy and weary, I did not take it ill that the night-porter examined me with much attention as he held the gate a little way open for me to pass in. To help his memory I mentioned my name.

`I was not quite sure, sir, but I thought so. Here's a note, sir. The messenger that brought it, said would you be so good as read it by my lantern?'

Much surprised by the request, I took the note. It was directed to Philip Pip, Esquire, and on the top of the superscription were the words, `PLEASE READ THIS, HERE.' I opened it, the watchman holding up his light, and read inside, in Wemmick's writing:

`DON'T GO HOME.'

 

在那间摆着梳妆台、墙壁上燃点着蜡烛的房间里，我看到郝维仙小姐和埃斯苔娜都在。郝维仙小姐坐在火炉旁边的长靠背椅上，埃斯苔娜坐在她脚旁的一个坐垫上。埃斯苔娜正在织着什么东西，郝维仙小姐在一旁欣赏着她的手工。我一走进屋，她们都抬眼相望，发现我的神色有些不对，便相互交换了一下眼色，我一看就明白了。

“噢，皮普，”郝维仙小姐说道，“今天是什么风把你吹来了？”

虽然她那么镇静自如地望着我，我仍然发现她多少显出一些慌乱。埃斯苔娜把手中的活停了一下，抬眼看了看我，然后又继续编织。我思量着她编织的动作，她的手指就像对我打着哑谜，我一切都明白了，仿佛她已经告诉我，她也知道我已经弄清了我真正的恩主。

“郝维仙小姐，”我说道，“昨天我到雷溪梦去，想找埃斯苔娜谈谈，发现已经有风把她吹回来了，所以我就来了。”

郝维仙小姐示意我坐下，她已示意了我三四次了，于是我便坐在梳妆台旁的一张椅子上，这是我过去常看到她坐的椅子。在我的脚旁和四周全是些陈年旧物，这一天，这里似乎是特地为我安排好的。

“郝维仙小姐，我有些话必须和埃斯苔娜说，我想就当着你的面说，马上就说。这些话不会使你奇怪的，也不会使你不高兴，我目前的处境如此的不幸，一定是你所想见到的。”

郝维仙小姐仍然镇静自如地望着我。埃斯苔娜仍在编织着，我看到她手指的动作，知道她正在注意地听我说，不过没有抬起头而已。

“我已经发现了我的恩主，显然这并不是幸运的发现；这次发现无论在我的名誉上、地位上、运气上以及其他方面都不见得有很大好处。由于某种原则，我只能说这些，不能全盘相告，这虽不是我的秘密，但和别人有关。”

我沉默了一会儿，看着埃斯苔娜，同时在考虑着如何再说下去。郝维仙小姐喃喃地重复着我的话：“这虽不是我的秘密，但和别人有关。唔，还有呢？”

“郝维仙小姐，你第一次让人把我带到你这里来，当时我是那边乡下的孩子，说实话我多么希望不离开乡下啊。我认为，我来到这里和其他的孩子一样，是你用的仆人。你花钱雇仆人为了满足你的需要和怪想，是吗？”

“啊，皮普，”郝维仙小姐镇静自如地点着头，答道，“你说得很对。”

“后来贾格斯先生——”

郝维仙小姐用坚定的语气打断了我的话：“贾格斯先生和这件事毫无关系。他对此也不了解。他是我的律师，也是你恩主的律师，这完全是巧合。他作为律师，就会有许多人和他建立这相同的关系。巧合是易于发生的。不管怎样，巧合发生了，这不是由某一个人安排的。”

任何人都会从她憔悴而瘦削的脸上看出她没有隐瞒，也没有回避。

“可是我却误解了，而且一直误解了很长一段时期，我认为至少是你把我引向误解的。”我说道。

“是这样，”她又镇静自如地点头说，“我是想引你误解。”

“你说这是善意的吗？”

“我是什么人？”郝维仙小姐用她的手杖敲着地板，突然间怒火万丈，连埃斯苔娜都惊奇地抬头望着她，“我就是我，为了上帝的名义，我没有必要对什么发善心。”

我讲那句话的目的并不是存心埋怨她，根本就没有那个意思。我把这个想法告诉她，她这时正处于雷霆过后，坐在那儿沉思呢。

“好了，好了，好了！”她说道，“你还有什么话要说？”

“过去我在侍候你的时候，”我为了安慰她，使她消气，说道，“你那么慷慨地给了我报酬，使我当上了学徒。我提出那些问题，只不过想了解真情而已。下面的一些问题，也不是出自我的私心，虽然用意和目的有所不同。你因势利导地把我引向误解，郝维仙小姐，也许是利用欺骗的手段惩罚你那些自私自利的亲戚吧；也许你能表明你的用意，而我如果措词不当就会触犯你。”

“的确这样，全是大家自讨苦吃！你也不例外。我既是这样的身世，又何必要煞费苦心哀求他们或哀求你不自讨苦吃呢？圈套是你自己设下的，我没有设下任何圈套。”

说完她又突然暴跳如雷，愤怒到极点。我等她恢复平静后，才说道：

“我一到伦敦，郝维仙小姐，就有机会进入你的一位亲戚的家庭，并在一个阶段内一直住在他们中间。我知道他们和我一样都有错觉，而且对错觉都信以为真。有一件事情我想告诉你，无论你能不能接受，无论你信不信，我都要说，如果我不告诉你，我就显得虚伪和卑鄙了。我认为你对马休·鄱凯特先生及他的儿子赫伯特伤害得很深，其实他们是慷慨大度的，是光明正大的，是心地坦白的，他们绝对没有阴谋诡计和卑鄙下流的心思。”

“他们都是你的朋友。”郝维仙说道。

“他们仍然把我当作他们的朋友，”我说道，“虽然他们把我看成是取代了他们地位的人。至于莎娜·鄱凯特，乔其亚娜小姐，和卡美拉夫人，我看她们就不是我的朋友了。”

鄱凯特先生父子和其余人的对比似乎起了作用，她对他们有好感，我很高兴地看到了这一点。她目光锐利地看了我一会儿，然后平静温和地对我说：

“你想为他们提出什么要求吗？”

“只有一件事，”我说道，“你不要把他们父子二人和其余的人混为一谈。虽然他们来自同一血统，但你相信我，他们却有着完全不同的性格。”

郝维仙小姐仍然用锐利的目光望着我，然后又重复地问道：

“你想为他们提出什么要求吗？”

“你看，我不是耍滑头的人，”我回答道，感到有一点儿脸红，“即使我想瞒住你，我也瞒不了。我确实想为他们干点事。郝维仙小姐，如果你能拿出一笔钱给我的朋友赫伯特作营生之用，而且在帮他忙时不让他知道，我可以提出我的看法。”

“为什么要帮他营生而又不让他知道呢？”她两只手扶住拐杖，非常仔细地注视着我，问道。

我说道：“在两年多之前我自己已经着手为他办这件事了，我没有让他知道。为什么我不能把事情办到底，其原因我不能奉告。这是秘密的一个方面，而且是别人的秘密，不是我的秘密。”

她的目光逐渐从我身上离开，然后转向炉火。起初室内一片寂静，蜡烛的烛芯慢慢地缩短着。她注视着炉火好长一段时间，壁炉里一些烧红的炭火因为烧空而坍了下去，她这才惊醒，目光重新向我扫来，起先是茫然地看着我，然后又开始逐渐地凝神注意起来。在所有这段时间内，埃斯苔娜一直不停地在编织着。郝维仙小姐只是凝神地注视着我，仿佛我们之间的对话根本没有中断过，她说：

“还有呢？”

这时我把脸转向埃斯苔娜，尽量使自己的声音不颤抖，“埃斯苔娜，你知道我爱你，你明白我早就爱上了你，并且爱得那么深。”

她听到我提到她，才抬起眼皮望着我的面孔，而她的手指仍然在编织着。她望着我，脸上毫无情感流露。我看到郝维仙小姐把目光从我的脸上移到她的脸上，又从她的脸上移到了我的脸上。

“要不是我一向对这事情的误解，我本该早就说了。因为误解，我总以为郝维仙小姐已经把我们配成一对，而你是身不由己，所以我才没有说。不过，现在我一定要说了。”

埃斯苔娜的脸上依然毫无情感流露，她的手指仍然在编织着，只是把头摇了两下。

“我明白，”对着她的摇头，我说道，“我明白，埃斯苔娜，我不能指望你是我的，不久以后我究竟会怎么样，我心中无数；我会穷到什么田地，我会去何处谋生，我都心中无数。不过，我仍然爱着你，自从在这个屋子里第一次和你相遇开始，我一直爱着你。”

她依旧毫不动情地望着我，两只手忙着编织，并且又摇了摇头。

“郝维仙小组如果早就知道她所做的一切有如此的后果，而有意玩弄一个穷孩子的感情，在这么多年当中用虚无飘渺的希望和劳而无效的追求折磨我，这未免残忍了点儿。而且是太残忍了。我想郝维仙小姐未必早就知道这问题。我想，埃斯苔娜，她由于自己忍受着折磨，所以忘记了我的被折磨。”

这时只见郝维仙小姐把她的手放在心口，并按在那儿不动。她坐在那儿，轮流地看着我和埃斯苔娜。

埃斯苔娜答道，态度十分冷静平和：“看来，世界上还有那么点儿情感或者幻想，我也说不上该叫它们什么，也对它们捉摸不透。你说你爱我，我懂得你说的意思，但只是词面上的意思，而没有其他意义。可是你没有唤起我的共鸣，你没有触动我的心弦，我根本没有把你的话放在心上。我一直都设法在警告你，我警告过你没有？”

我非常可怜地答道：“有。”

“是啊，你就是不听我的劝告，总是以为我讲是讲，做是做。现在，你是不是仍然这样想呢？”

“我是这样认为的，我也希望你讲是讲，做是做。埃斯苔娜！你如此年轻，缺乏人生经验，又貌似天仙，你不可能有这种性格啊！”

“这就是我内心的本性，”她答道，并且加重了语气，“这就是我内心已形成的性格。我和你说到这点，已经说明我对待你和对待所有其他的人不同了。我也只能做到如此。”

“本特莱·德鲁莫尔正在镇里，他追求你这不是真的吗？”

“这是千真万确的。”她答道，用非常轻视和冷淡的语气提到他。

“你鼓励他，助长他的兴趣，和他同去遛马，今天他还要到这里来吃饭，有这事吗？”

我了解得如此清楚，这似乎使她大吃一惊，但她答道：“的确有这事。”

“埃斯苔娜，你不会爱上他吧？”

这时她的手才第一次停下了编织，她愤怒地对我说道：“我过去和你说过什么？难道你还是这样想，以为我说归说，做归做？”

“埃斯苔娜，你不会和他结婚吧？”

她望了一下郝维仙小姐，手中拿着活儿考虑了一下，然后说道：“为什么不能告诉你真话呢？我正准备和他结婚。”

我把头低下来，双手掩住面孔，尽量地控制住自己。虽然她说的这些话给了我莫大的痛苦，可是我还没有哭，出乎她们的意料之外。我把头抬起来，看到郝维仙小姐的面孔形如鬼魂。我当时虽然情感冲动、痛苦万分，而她的形象却仍使我惊得非同小可。

“埃斯苔娜，最亲爱最亲爱的埃斯苔娜，千万不要让郝维仙小姐牵着你的鼻子走向致命的道路。你可以把我抛弃，其实我知道你已经把我抛弃了；不过我希望你要嫁人至少嫁一个比德鲁莫尔品质好一些的人。郝维仙小姐要你嫁给他，目的是为了对许多品质比德鲁莫尔好得多而又爱慕你的人，对一些真心诚意爱你的人表示轻蔑，并伤透他们的心。在那些真心诚意爱你的人当中，至少你总能找到一个对你真情实意的人。虽然他不像我这样爱你如此长久，但你可以接受他的爱，嫁给他，我为了你也能忍受得了！”

我的真心诚意唤醒了她的惊异，只要她感到有那么一点儿对我的理解，她的心就该表现出一些同情。

“我就要和他结婚，”她用温和一些的语调对我说，“结婚的准备工作正在进行之中，我很快就要嫁出去了。你为什么冤枉我的养母呢？这件事是由我自己做主的。”

“埃斯苔娜，你竟然自己做主让自己委身于一头野兽？”

“那么我应该委身于谁呢？”她微笑着反问我道，“难道我要把自己嫁给一个心猿意马的人，要不了多久就把我当作废物扔掉的人（假如天下有如此之人）？行了！一切都定了。我会过得满意的，我的丈夫也会过得满意的。至于你刚才所说，郝维仙小姐牵着我的鼻子把我引向致命的道路，其实她倒是要我等等再说，暂时不结婚；而我自己对生活感到厌倦，简直没有什么乐趣，愿意尽可能地改变一下生活，所以决定结婚。不必多说了，我们永远也不会相互理解的。”

我绝望地说道：“这么一头低贱的野兽！你竟然嫁给这么一头愚笨的野兽！”

“你不必担心，我不会让他幸福的，”埃斯苔娜说道，“我肯定不会让他幸福的。来，让我们握手道别吧，你这个喜欢梦想的孩子，喔，是个大人了。”

“噢，埃斯苔娜！”我回答时伤心的泪珠忍不住落到了她的手上，“如果我继续住在英国，如果我在英国还能够出人头地，一想到你竟然是德鲁莫尔的妻子，我怎能忍受？”

“一点意思也没有，”她说道，“简直是废话，你很快就会忘得一干二净。”

“埃斯苔娜，不会的。”

“只要一个星期，我就会在你的脑中消失了。”

“在我脑中消失！你是我存在的一个部分，你就是我自身的一个部分。自从我第一次来到这里，我这个粗野的乡下孩子虽然这颗可怜的心被你伤透，可是每当我读书时，字里行间便会跳出你的影子。我观赏景色时，无论是大河之上，河上漂浮的船帆，无际的沼泽地，天空中的云彩，那白日的亮光，那夜晚的黑暗，那狂风，那森林，那大海，那街道，哪一个景色中不会出现你的身影？你是我美丽幻想的化身，深藏在我的内心，是我心灵中永远的友伴。就说伦敦最坚固的建筑基村——石头吧，也比不上你的手那样真实，也比不上你的手那样无可代替，比不上你的形象，远远没有你对我的影响大。你无处不在，你将永远留在我的心间，埃斯苔娜，即使到了我生命的最后时刻，你仍然是我人格的一部分，我身上如有一点优点，你就是优点的一部分；我身上如有一丝缺陷，你就是缺陷的一部分。不过，我们这次分手，我只能记住你的优点，并且我将永远忠贞不渝地记住你的优点。你给了我伤害，但你给了我更多的友善。现在，我内心感到多么深刻的痛苦，就像尖刀割着我的心。哦上帝，愿上帝赐福于你，愿上帝原宥你的一切！”

我简直不明白我怎么会沉入如此不幸的颠狂之中，说出如此颠三倒四的话。这是我心房里的狂想，就像鲜血从内在的创口中涌出。我捧着她的手靠近我的双唇，亲吻了片刻，然后向她告别。但自此以后，每每我回忆起那个时刻（不久以后我有充分的理由去回忆它）的情景，埃斯苔娜只是用她那不太相信的神态凝视着我，而郝维仙小姐依然形如克魂，一只手按在胸口，似乎一切都变成了她阴森可怕的目光，包含了多少同情和多少悔恨。

一切均已结束，一切均已消逝！彻底的结束，彻底的消逝。我怀着如此的心情走出了大门，白天的光辉似乎比我来的时候暗淡，抹上了一道黝黑的色彩。我一头钻进小巷，在这些后街静巷中转来转去了好一会儿，然后举步向伦敦方向走去。这时，我已经从失常的心态中苏醒，再不想回到蓝野猪饭店去看到德鲁莫尔。我也无法忍受乘坐马车回伦敦，以及车上旅客的絮语，所以最好还是步行回伦敦，即使跑个筋疲力尽也是个痛快。

直到午夜刚过，我才抵达伦敦桥。过了桥，我便走进了错综曲折的小巷。在当时这些小巷可以直通伦敦西区，小街小巷就靠近河的北岸。我回到寺区最近的路就是沿河而行，经过怀特弗拉埃路。赫伯特知道我明天回来，说不定已经睡觉，但是我带了钥匙，可以不惊动他自己开门进去休息。

我过去几乎没有在寺区的怀特弗拉埃路上的栅门关闭后回来过，何况这次全身污泥、精疲力竭，所以弄得守夜人不得不仔仔细细地打量了我一番，我对此也没有反感。这之后他才打开一道门缝放我进去。我担心他一时想不起我，干脆报名而人。

“先生，我想是你，不过我说不准。这里有一封给你的信。送信的人说，务必请你就在灯光下读一下。”

这个要求使我非常吃惊。我把信接过来，信封上的确写着“菲利普·皮普先生亲启”的字样，而且在信封的顶端写着：“就在这里阅信”。于是，我把信拆开，守夜人在一边把灯光举向我。我读着信纸上的内容，是温米克的手笔，他写着几个字：“千万别回家。”