Chapter 49

PUTTING Miss Havisham's note in my pocket, that it might serve as my credentials for so soon reappearing at Satis House, in case her waywardness should lead her to express any surprise at seeing me, I went down again by the coach next day. But I alighted at the Halfway House, and breakfasted there, and walked the rest of the distance; for, I sought to get into the town quietly by the unfrequented ways, and to leave it in the same manner.
The best light of the day was gone when I passed along the quiet echoing courts behind the High-street. The nooks of ruin where the old monks had once had their refectories and gardens, and where the strong walls were now pressed into the service of humble sheds and stables, were almost as silent as the old monks in their graves. The cathedral chimes had at once a sadder and a more remote sound to me, as I hurried on avoiding observation, than they had ever had before; so, the swell of the old organ was borne to my ears like funeral music; and the rooks, as they hovered about the grey tower and swung in the bare high trees of the priory-garden, seemed to call to me that the place was changed, and that Estella was gone out of it for ever.

An elderly woman whom I had seen before as one of the servants who lived in the supplementary house across the back court-yard, opened the gate. The lighted candle stood in the dark passage within, as of old, and I took it up and ascended the staircase alone. Miss Havisham was not in her own room, but was in the larger room across the landing. Looking in at the door, after knocking in vain, I saw her sitting on the hearth in a ragged chair, close before, and lost in the contemplation of, the ashy fire.

Doing as I had often done, I went in, and stood, touching the old chimney-piece, where she could see me when she raised her eyes. There was an air or utter loneliness upon her, that would have moved me to pity though she had wilfully done me a deeper injury than I could charge her with. As I stood compassionating her, and thinking how in the progress of time I too had come to be a part of the wrecked fortunes of that house, her eyes rested on me. She stared, and said in a low voice, `Is it real?'

`It is I, Pip. Mr Jaggers gave me your note yesterday, and I have lost no time.'

`Thank you. Thank you.'

As I brought another of the ragged chairs to the hearth and sat down, I remarked a new expression on her face, as if she were afraid of me.

`I want,' she said, `to pursue that subject you mentioned to me when you were last here, and to show you that I am not all stone. But perhaps you can never believe, now, that there is anything human in my heart?'

When I said some reassuring words, she stretched out her tremulous right hand, as though she was going to touch me; but she recalled it again before I understood the action, or knew how to receive it.

`You said, speaking for your friend, that you could tell me how to do something useful and good. Something that you would like done, is it not?'

`Something that I would like done very much.'

`What is it?'

I began explaining to her that secret history of the partnership. I had not got far into it, when I judged from her looks that she was thinking in a discursive way of me, rather than of what I said. It seemed to be so, for, when I stopped speaking, many moments passed before she showed that she was conscious of the fact.

`Do you break off,' she asked then, with her former air of being afraid of me, `because you hate me too much to bear to speak to me?'

`No, no,' I answered, `how can you think so, Miss Havisham! I stopped because I thought you were not following what I said.'

`Perhaps I was not,' she answered, putting a hand to her head. `Begin again, and let me look at something else. Stay! Now tell me.'

She set her hand upon her stick, in the resolute way that sometimes was habitual to her, and looked at the fire with a strong expression of forcing herself to attend. I went on with my explanation, and told her how I had hoped to complete the transaction out of my means, but how in this I was disappointed. That part of the subject (I reminded her) involved matters which could form no part of my explanation, for they were the weighty secrets of another.

`So!' said she, assenting with her head, but not looking at me. `And how much money is wanting to complete the purchase?'

I was rather afraid of stating it, for it sounded a large sum. `Nine hundred pounds.'

`If I give you the money for this purpose, will you keep my secret as you have kept your own?'

`Quite as faithfully.'

`And your mind will be more at rest?'

`Much more at rest.'

`Are you very unhappy now?'

She asked this question, still without looking at me, but in an unwonted tone of sympathy. I could not reply at the moment, for my voice failed me. She put her left arm across the head of her stick, and softly laid her forehead on it.

`I am far from happy, Miss Havisham; but I have other causes of disquiet than any you know of. They are the secrets I have mentioned.'

After a little while, she raised her head and looked at the fire again.

`It is noble in you to tell me that you have other causes of unhappiness, Is it true?'

`Too true.'

`Can I only serve you, Pip, by serving your friend? Regarding that as done, is there nothing I can do for you yourself?'

`Nothing. I thank you for the question. I thank you even more for the tone of the question. But, there is nothing.'

She presently rose from her seat, and looked about the blighted room for the means of writing. There were non there, and she took from her pocket a yellow set of ivory tablets, mounted in tarnished gold, and wrote upon them with a pencil in a case of tarnished gold that hung from her neck.

`You are still on friendly terms with Mr Jaggers?'

`Quite. I dined with him yesterday.'

`This is an authority to him to pay you that money, to lay out at your irresponsible discretion for your friend. I keep no money here; but if you would rather Mr Jaggers knew nothing of the matter, I will send it to you.'

`Thank you, Miss Havisham; I have not the least objection to receiving it from him.'

She read me what she had written, and it was direct and clear, and evidently intended to absolve me from any suspicion of profiting by the receipt of the money. I took the tablets from her hand, and it trembled again, and it trembled more as she took off the chain to which the pencil was attached, and put it in mine. All this she did, without looking at me.

`My name is on the first leaf. If you can ever write under my name, "I forgive her," though ever so long after my broken heart is dust - pray do it!'

`O Miss Havisham,' said I, `I can do it now. There have been sore mistakes; and my life has been a blind and thankless one; and I want forgiveness and direction far too much, to be bitter with you.'

She turned her face to me for the first time since she had averted it, and, to my amazement, I may even add to my terror, dropped on her knees at my feet; with her folded hands raised to me in the manner in which, when her poor heart was young and fresh and whole, they must often have been raised to heaven from her mother's side.

To see her with her white hair and her worn face kneeling at my feet, gave me a shock through all my frame. I entreated her to rise, and got my arms about her to help her up; but she only pressed that hand of mine which was nearest to her grasp, and hung her head over it and wept. I had never seen her shed a tear before, and, in the hope that the relief might do her good, I bent over her without speaking. She was not kneeling now, but was down upon the ground.

`O!' she cried, despairingly. `What have I done! What have I done!'

`If you mean, Miss Havisham, what have you done to injure me, let me answer. Very little. I should have loved her under any circumstances. - Is she married?'

`Yes.'

It was a needless question, for a new desolation in the desolate house had told me so.

`What have I done! What have I done!' She wrung her hands, and crushed her white hair, and returned to this cry over and over again. `What have I done!'

I knew not how to answer, or how to comfort her. That she had done a grievous thing in taking an impressionable child to mould into the form that her wild resentment, spurned affection, and wounded pride, found vengeance in, I knew full well. But that, in shutting out the light of day, she had shut out infinitely more; that, in seclusion, she had secluded herself from a thousand natural and healing influences; that, her mind, brooding solitary, had grown diseased, as all minds do and must and will that reverse the appointed order of their Maker; I knew equally well. And could I look upon her without compassion, seeing her punishment in the ruin she was, in her profound unfitness for this earth on which she was placed, in the vanity of sorrow which had become a master mania, like the vanity of penitence, the vanity of remorse, the vanity of unworthiness, and other monstrous vanities that have been curses in this world?

`Until you spoke to her the other day, and until I saw in you a looking-glass that showed me what I once felt myself, I did not know what I had done. What have I done! What have I done!' And so again, twenty, fifty times over, What had she done!

`Miss Havisham,' I said, when her cry had died away, `you may dismiss me from your mind and conscience. But Estella is a different case, and if you can ever undo any scrap of what you have done amiss in keeping a part of her right nature away from her, it will be better to do that, than to bemoan the past through a hundred years.'

`Yes, yes, I know it. But, Pip - my Dear!' There was an earnest womanly compassion for me in her new affection. `My Dear! Believe this: when she first came to me, I meant to save her from misery like my own. At first I meant no more.'

`Well, well!' said I. `I hope so.'

`But as she grew, and promised to be very beautiful, I gradually did worse, and with my praises, and with my jewels, and with my teachings, and with this figure of myself always before her a warning to back and point my lessons, I stole her heart away and put ice in its place.'

`Better,' I could not help saying, `to have left her a natural heart, even to be bruised or broken.'

With that, Miss Havisham looked distractedly at me for a while, and then burst out again, What had she done!

`If you knew all my story,' she pleaded, `you would have some compassion for me and a better understanding of me.'

`Miss Havisham,' I answered, as delicately as I could, `I believe I may say that I do know your story, and have known it ever since I first left this neighbourhood. It has inspired me with great commiseration, and I hope I understand it and its influences. Does what has passed between us give me any excuse for asking you a question relative to Estella? Not as she is, but as she was when she first came here?'

She was seated on the ground, with her arms on the ragged chair, and her head leaning on them. She looked full at me when I said this, and replied, `Go on.'

`Whose child was Estella?'

She shook her head.

`You don't know?'

She shook her head again.

`But Mr Jaggers brought her here, or sent her here?'

`Brought her here.'

`Will you tell me how that came about?'

She answered in a low whisper and with caution: `I had been shut up in these rooms a long time (I don't know how long; you know what time the clocks keep here), when I told him that I wanted a little girl to rear and love, and save from my fate. I had first seen him when I sent for him to lay this place waste for me; having read of him in the newspapers, before I and the world parted. He told me that he would look about him for such an orphan child. One night he brought her here asleep, and I called her Estella.'

`Might I ask her age then?'

`Two or three. She herself knows nothing, but that she was left an orphan and I adopted her.'

So convinced I was of that woman's being her mother, that I wanted no evidence to establish the fact in my own mind. But, to any mind, I thought, the connection here was clear and straight.

What more could I hope to do by prolonging the interview? I had succeeded on behalf of Herbert, Miss Havisham had told me all she knew of Estella, I had said and done what I could to ease her mind. No matter with what other words we parted; we parted.

Twilight was closing in when I went down stairs into the natural air. I called to the woman who had opened the gate when I entered, that I would not trouble her just yet, but would walk round the place before leaving. For, I had a presentiment that I should never be there again, and I felt that the dying light was suited to my last view of it.

By the wilderness of casks that I had walked on long ago, and on which the rain of years had fallen since, rotting them in many places, and leaving miniature swamps and pools of water upon those that stood on end, I made my way to the ruined garden. I went all round it; round by the corner where Herbert and I had fought our battle; round by the paths where Estella and I had walked. So cold, so lonely, so dreary all!

Taking the brewery on my way back, I raised the rusty latch of a little door at the garden end of it, and walked through. I was going out at the opposite door - not easy to open now, for the damp wood had started and swelled, and the hinges were yielding, and the threshold was encumbered with a growth of fungus - when I turned my head to look back. A childish association revived with wonderful force in the moment of the slight action, and I fancied that I saw Miss Havisham hanging to the beam. So strong was the impression, that I stood under the beam shuddering from head to foot before I knew it was a fancy - though to be sure I was there in an instant.

The mournfulness of the place and time, and the great terror of this illusion, though it was but momentary, caused me to feel an indescribable awe as I came out between the open wooden gates where I had once wrung my hair after Estella had wrung my heart. Passing on into the front court-yard, I hesitated whether to call the woman to let me out at the locked gate of which she had the key, or first to go up-stairs and assure myself that Miss Havisham was as safe and well as I had left her. I took the latter course and went up.

I looked into the room where I had left her, and I saw her seated in the ragged chair upon the hearth close to the fire, with her back towards me. In the moment when I was withdrawing my head to go quietly away, I saw a great flaming light spring up. In the same moment, I saw her running at me, shrieking, with a whirl of fire blazing all about her, and soaring at least as many feet above her head as she was high.

I had a double-caped great-coat on, and over my arm another thick coat. That I got them off, closed with her, threw her down, and got them over her; that I dragged the great cloth from the table for the same purpose, and with it dragged down the heap of rottenness in the midst, and all the ugly things that sheltered there; that we were on the ground struggling like desperate enemies, and that the closer I covered her, the more wildly she shrieked and tried to free herself; that this occurred I knew through the result, but not through anything I felt, or thought, or knew I did. I knew nothing until I knew that we were on the floor by the great table, and that patches of tinder yet alight were floating in the smoky air, which, a moment ago, had been her faded bridal dress.

Then, I looked round and saw the disturbed beetles and spiders running away over the floor, and the servants coming in with breathless cries at the door. I still held her forcibly down with all my strength, like a prisoner who might escape; and I doubt if I even knew who she was, or why we had struggled, or that she had been in flames, or that the flames were out, until I saw the patches of tinder that had been her garments, no longer alight but falling in a black shower around us.

She was insensible, and I was afraid to have her moved, or even touched. Assistance was sent for and I held her until it came, as if I unreasonably fancied (I think I did) that if I let her go, the fire would break out again and consume her. When I got up, on the surgeon's coming to her with other aid, I was astonished to see that both my hands were burnt; for, I had no knowledge of it through the sense of feeling.

On examination it was pronounced that she had received serious hurts, but that they of themselves were far from hopeless; the danger lay mainly in the nervous shock. By the surgeon's directions, her bed was carried into that room and laid upon the great table: which happened to be well suited to the dressing of her injuries. When I saw her again, an hour afterwards, she lay indeed where I had seen her strike her stick, and had heard her say that she would lie one day.

Though every vestige of her dress was burnt, as they told me, she still had something of her old ghastly bridal appearance; for, they had covered her to the throat with white cotton-wool, and as she lay with a white sheet loosely overlying that, the phantom air of something that had been and was changed, was still upon her.

I found, on questioning the servants, that Estella was in Paris, and I got a promise from the surgeon that he would write to her by the next post. Miss Havisham's family I took upon myself; intending to communicate with Mr Matthew Pocket only, and leave him to do as he liked about informing the rest. This I did next day, through Herbert, as soon as I returned to town.

There was a stage, that evening, when she spoke collectedly of what had happened, though with a certain terrible vivacity. Towards midnight she began to wander in her speech, and after that it gradually set in that she said innumerable times in a low solemn voice, `What have I done!' And then, `When she first came, I meant to save her from misery like mine.' And then, `Take the pencil and write under my name, "I forgive her!"' She never changed the order of these three sentences, but she sometimes left out a word in one or other of them; never putting in another word, but always leaving a blank and going on to the next word.

As I could do no service there, and as I had, nearer home, that pressing reason for anxiety and fear which even her wanderings could not drive out of my mind, I decided in the course of the night that I would return by the early morning coach: walking on a mile or so, and being taken up clear of the town. At about six o'clock of the morning, therefore, I leaned over her and touched her lips with mine, just as they said, not stopping for being touched, `Take the pencil and write under my name, "I forgive her."'

 

我把郝维仙小姐的信揣在口袋里，必要时拿它作个凭证，因为我是如此迅速地赶到了沙提斯宅邸，万一她那刚愎自用的脾气一发，看到我如此会感到奇怪，那这封信就可用来解释了。于是第二天，我就搭上了马车。不过，这次我是在半途下车，在那儿吃过了早餐，就开始步行而去。因为我想寻找安静、不受干扰的小巷小街进入镇上，离开小镇时也是这样。

我沿着大街后面的几条安静得发出回声的小巷行走时，一天中最佳的时光已悄然逝去。这一荒废的角落曾经是僧人们的用斋堂和花园，旁边几道坚固的断墙处，现在只有几间简单粗陋的小棚和马厩，然而这里依然那么静，静得和墓地里躺着的僧人们一样，悄然无声。我匆忙地前行，唯恐引起人们注意。那大教堂传出的钟声似乎比以往任何时候听起来都更感凄凉，距我更为遥远。那古老的风琴声飘荡在空中，在我听起来竟是送葬的哀鸣曲一般。鸦群盘旋在灰塔之尖的周围，来回于修道院废弃花园中的几棵又高又秃的树顶，似乎在向我报告，这地方已经变化，埃斯苔娜已经离去，再也不会回来。

一位年长的妇女来给我开门。我曾经见过她，她就住在后院对面的一间屋里，是这里的一位女仆。一根蜡烛仍旧像过去一样燃点在漆黑一片的过道里，我还是像以往一样，拿起蜡烛，孤孤单单地一人爬上楼梯。郝维仙小姐不在她自己的房里，而在楼梯平台对着的大房间中。我敲敲门，没有回答，从门缝中向里张望，看到她坐在壁炉前的一张破椅子上，对着一炉灰烬中的火，不知在思考着什么，显出出神的样子。

像往常一样我走了进去，紧靠壁炉架站着，只要她一抬起眼皮就可以看见我站在这里。她的神态非常孤独寂寞，这使我十分感动，对她同情万分，虽然她曾经那么固执地深深伤害了我的心，即使她把我伤害得更深十分，我也仍然会同情她。哦，时光多么迅速，也把我变成了这座房子中一件残缺破败的东西了。这时她的眼睛转向了我。她睁大眼睛，用低低的声音说道：“真的是你来了吗？”

“是我皮普。昨天贾格斯先生把你的信转交给我，我抓紧时间赶到了这里。”

“谢谢你，谢谢你。”

我拖了另外一张破烂的椅子靠近壁炉，并且坐了下来。我发现在她的面孔上有一种新的表情，仿佛是有些怕我似的。

她说道：“你上次在我这里时提到的那件事，我想和你研究一下，同时可以向你表明，我绝不是个心如铁石的人。不过，你也许还是不会相信在我深深的内心尚留一些人味吧。”

我说了几句让她放心的话。她伸出她那颤抖的右手，看上去似乎想用手碰到我；不过，在我还没有弄清楚她这个动作的意思，或者我不知道该怎么样来领受她的感情时，她的手又缩了回去。

“上次你说要为你的朋友求个人情，说你会告诉我该怎么样为他做些有益的好事。你是要我给他帮点忙，不是吗？”

“我非常希望你能给他帮点忙。”

“帮点什么忙呢？”

于是我便向她说明我是如何在暗中帮他忙的，让他人股，和别人合作。我还没有讲得很多，我就觉察到她的神情漫不经心，似乎并不在思考我所说的话，而在想着我这个人。我停住话头，过了不少时间她才好像醒悟过来，感到我停了下来。

“你停住不讲了，”她的神态和刚才一样，有些害怕我似的，说道，“因为你非常恨我，不想和我说，是不是？”

“不，不是的，”我答道，“郝维仙小姐，你不要这样想，我停下说话，是因为我想你也许不想听我的话。”

“也许我没有注意听，”她用一只手托住头，答道，“重新讲一遍，让我望着别的什么地方听你讲。等一会儿！好了，现在你开始对我说吧。”

她的另一只手按住拐杖，她的神态和往常一样，是一副习惯性的毅然决然的样子，一方面望着火炉，一方面强打起精神在听我讲。我继续讲下去，说我本来想用自己的资金帮他把这件事办成，不过现在我不能如愿以偿了。至于这其中的原因，我提醒她，我是不能告诉她的，因为这涉及到另外一个人的非常重大的秘密。

“是这么回事！”她动了一下头，表示同意，但是并没有望着我。“你要把这件事办成究竟需要多少钱？”

我真不敢说出这个数字，因为听起来这数字是一大笔钱。“九百镑。”

“要是我拿出这笔钱使你达到目的，你能够像保守你自己的秘密一样而保守我的秘密吗？”

“完全能够。”

“那么你的心放下了吗？”

“基本上放下了。”

“你还有什么不愉快的事吗？”

她向我提出这个问题时，仍然没有抬眼望我，但是她说话的调子却表现出一种难以见到的同情。此时此刻我的声音因激动而哽咽，一句话也说不出。而她这时用左臂留住了拐杖的头，把前额轻柔地搁在了上面。

“郝维仙小姐，我无法愉快；但我不得安宁、不愉快还有你所不知的原因。这也是我向你提到过的秘密。”

过了一会儿她抬起头，又对着火炉呆呆地望起来。

“你告诉我你尚有别的不愉快的原由，这表现出你高尚的气质。我还想问一下，你所说的是真的吗？”

“的确是真的。”

“皮普，难道我给你帮忙只是帮你朋友的忙吗？给你的朋友帮忙已经定了，难道我就不能帮帮你本人的忙吗？”

“我没有需要帮忙的地方。谢谢你提出这一点，更要谢谢你问我的语气这般美好。不过，我没有需要帮忙的地方。”

她立刻从椅子上站了起来，环视了一下这枯萎了的房间，想看看哪儿有纸笔。四处都没有找见。于是她从口袋里掏出一本黄色的象牙簿，上面镶有金饰，现在已失去光泽，又从吊在她脖子上的失去光泽的金盒子中拿出一支铅笔，在象牙簿上写着什么。

“你和贾格斯先生之间的友谊现在仍然很好吗？”

“很好，昨天我还和他一起吃饭呢。”

“你可以凭这个到他那里去取款，然后你可以随意地为你的朋友帮忙。我这里没有现款，不过，如果你不希望让贾格斯先生知道这件事，我可以叫人把钱送给你。”

“谢谢你，郝维仙小姐；我愿意到他那里去取这笔钱。”

她把她已经写好的字据读给我听，写得直截了当、干净利落，而且显然地是为了避免别人对我的怀疑，以为我接受这笔钱是为了自己。我从她手中接过象牙簿，她的手又颤抖了起来；在她从脖子上解下那根系着铅笔的链子交给我时，她的手颤抖得更厉害。她在做所有这些事时，一眼也没有瞧过我。

“这小簿子的第一页上就是我的名字。如果你什么时候能在我的名字下面写上‘我原谅她’这几个字，即使我这颗破碎的心早已化为尘土，我还是要请你写上！”

“哦，郝维仙小姐，”我说道，“我现在就可以写。人都有过伤心的错事；就是我的一生也是盲目从事及不可原谅的一生。我还要别人来原宥我，来批评我，又怎么会抱怨你呢？”

她刚才一直没有正视我，现在才第一次转过面孔来望着我；使我大为吃惊的是她这时跪在了我面前，对着我举起合着的双手，这简直使我惊骇万分。我想在她这颗可怜的心还处于童稚时期时，她一定是常跪在她母亲的脚前向上天祈求的。

眼看这一位生满白发、面孔枯瘦的老人竟然跪在我的脚下，这使我全身颤抖起来。我请求她站起来，伸开双臂去扶她；可是她只是抓住我的一只她能够抓得着的手，并且把她的头倚在我的手腕上，悲伤地哭了起来。从前我从来没有见她流过一滴眼泪；现在我无言地俯身看着她，心中暗想，让她痛哭，哭去她深藏在心中的痛苦，也许对她倒有益处。她现在已不跪在地上，而是跌坐在地上。

“哦！”她绝望地叫道，“我竟做出这种事来了！我怎么做出这种事来了！”

“郝维仙小姐，如果你的意思是指你已经伤透了我的心，那么我的回答是，那没有什么，我在任何情况下都会爱她。她现在结婚了吗？”

“结婚了。”

这本是没有必要的问题，因为这座凄凉的宅邸中新添的一层凄凉情意已经说明了这一点。

“我竟然做出这种事来！我竟然做出这种事来！”她搓着双手，把自己的白发弄得乱七八糟，一次又一次地重复着这句话，“我竟然会做出这种事！”

我真不知道如何回答她的问题，我不知道如何安慰她的心。她做了一件严重的令人伤心的事，按自己的模型塑造了一个敏感的无辜女孩，因为她自己怀着狂乱的怨恨，情感被别人玩弄，自尊心受到伤害，她就要让这个女孩长大成人后为她报仇雪恨，我对这些都知道得太清楚了。然而，她把自己和白日的阳光隔离，她把自己和一切事物无限地隔离；她孤独地生活，她把自己和成千上万自然而有益的事物隔离；她的整颗心都在孤独地沉思，因而扭曲损伤，这和世上所有违背了上帝安排的人一样，都一定、必然地得到这种后果。对于这一点我同样知道得很清楚。因此，我能毫无同情地看着她吗？她如此在毁灭中得到惩罚，虽生于人间而又感到深深的不安、无限的悲伤，不仅无用反而把自己弄得疯疯癫癫，像所有的这一类人一样；忏悔又有何用，懊丧又有何用，感到自己没有价值又有何用，这种希奇古怪、徒然荒唐的事除掉给人世间带来祸根以外，还能带来什么？

“直到那一天我听到你对她所说的话，我看到你就像一面镜子，照出了我当年的心情，我这才悟出自己竟然做出了这种荒唐事。我竟然做出这种事来，我怎么能做出这种事！”她一遍又一遍地重复着，重复了二十次，五十次，她竟会做出这种事来！

“郝维仙小姐，”等她伤心的哭诉停止之后，我对她说道，“在你的心中，在你的良心中不必为我顾虑而难过，你应该想一想埃斯苔娜，因为你使她走向错误之途，你使她的善良天性歪曲。如果你能做一点什么，能挽回哪怕一点儿什么，你最好还是尽量去挽回为佳，这比你懊悔一百年要好得多。”

“你说得很对，我知道。不过，我亲爱的皮普！”这时我发现她一丝新的情感，那是一种真心诚意的女性的同情，“亲爱的皮普，你相信我：她第一次到我这里来时，我本意是救她脱离苦海，免遭像我一样的厄运。最初我只是如此，没有想到别的。”

“太好了，太好了！”我说道，“我希望是如此。”

“但是她慢慢长大起来，眼看就长成一个美人了，我对她的教养也就变了，走上了另一条路。我夸奖她生得漂亮，给她戴上珠宝，如此地教育她，用我自身的例子作为前车之鉴，告诉她该怎么办，结果我攫走了她整颗心，而换上了一块寒冰。”

我不得不说道：”‘最好还是留给她一颗自然的心，即使这颗心受了伤，破碎了，也比不自然的心要好。”

郝维仙小姐听了我说的话，满怀迷惑地望着我，过了一会儿，又大声嚷道，她怎么会做出这种事！

她为自己会做出这种事对我解释性地说道：“你要是知道我一生的遭遇，你就会对我有一点儿同情，对我就会有一点更好的理解。”

“郝维仙小姐，”我尽量用温文尔雅的语调答道，“我可以说我了解你的一生遭遇，而且在我刚离开乡下时我就了解了。我一直怀着很大的同。请听讲你的身世，我不仅了解你的身世，而且了解你的身世所产生的影响。我想，以我们之间的交往，我是不是可以提出一个关于埃斯苔娜的问题？当然不是关于她现在怎么样，而是关于她过去的情况，她刚刚来到这里时的情况。”

她还是坐在地上，两条手臂搁在破烂的椅子上，头倚在手臂上。在我说话时，她一直望着我，然后答道：‘你说吧。”

“埃斯苔娜是谁的孩子？”

她摇着头。

“你不知道吗？”

她又摇着头。

“是贾格斯先生把她带来的还是派人把她送来的？”

“他把她带来的。”

“你能否告诉我她的详情呢？”

她十分小心谨慎地低声对我说：“我把自己关在这所房屋里一个时期后（我不知道究竟过了多少时间，你看这里所有的钟表都不走了），我告诉贾格斯先生，我想要一个小姑娘，一方面抚养她，一方面疼爱她，并且可以使她免遭我的命运。在我和这个世界隔绝之前我就在报纸上读到过他的名字；我便请人去找他，要他到我这里来为我处理事务，那是我们第一次见面。他告诉我他愿意为我寻找一个孤儿。一个晚上他来到我这里，带来一个女孩，当时她正睡着，我便叫她埃斯苔娜。”

“我想问一下她当时几岁？”

“两三岁吧。她对于自己什么也不知道，她只知道自己是一个孤儿，由我收养的。”

于是我确信那位管家婆就是她的母亲，我不需要证据就可以得出这个结论。我想，无论是谁都会看出，这其中的联系非常清楚，而且一眼就能看出。

我们这次见面到此为止，没有必要再延长下去，因为延长下去也没有什么可做的。至于赫伯特的事，愿望已经达到；至于埃斯苔娜的事，郝维仙小姐已经把她所知道的全都告诉了我，我能给她的安慰也说尽了，没有更多的话可说，我们便告别了；我们就这样告别了。

我走下楼梯进入自然的新鲜空气当中，此时正是暮色苍茫。我告诉那位刚才我进来时为我开门的老妇人，说我现在不麻烦她开门，在离开这里之前，我准备在里面走走逛逛。我似乎有一种预感，我再也不会来到这里，何况这即将消逝的白日之光正适合于我在此作一次最后的凭吊。

这里堆放着许多荒废了的酒桶，多少年前我曾踏在桶上行走。自从那以后，又经历了多少年的雨水浸蚀，那些原来竖立的酒桶都已腐朽，变成了小小的沼池和河塘，于是我向荒废的花园走去，围着园子散起步来。我绕到我曾和赫伯特比试本领大打出手的地方，绕到我和埃斯苔娜曾经散步过的地方。现在一切都是那么寒冷疏远，那么孤独寂寞，那么荒凉凄苦！

我绕回来时走的是制酒作坊的那条路。我走到花园尽头的一个小门处，把生锈的门闩拔开，从此屋穿过，到了对面的那扇门，从那里走出去。这扇门可不容易开，木头因受潮膨胀已松动，门闩和插销处已对不上，门槛上都生出了一片菌类植物。出门后我又回头张望了一番，霎时间，童年时代的联想又一次在心灵中奇怪地复活，在幻觉中我突然看见郝维仙小姐正吊在屋子的大梁之下，形象的逼真强烈，令我站在大梁之下全身上下发抖。我很快意识到这原来是一个幻觉，但我已经站在了大梁之下。

在这个地点，在如此的时刻，真令人伤感，幻觉给我带来无限的恐惧。虽然这一切都瞬时即逝，然而在我走出打开的木门时，这仍然使我感到一阵无可名状的畏惧。我记得那次埃斯苔娜令我伤心之后，我就是站在这扇门旁乱揪我的头发。从这里我走到前院，心中踌躇着究竟是去叫老妇人开门让我离去，还是再到楼上去一次，看看郝维仙小姐是否和我刚才告别时一样平安无事。我终于采取第二个方案，直接走上楼去。

我走到刚才告别的屋子，窥视了一下屋中，看到郝维仙小姐坐在紧靠着壁炉的破烂椅子上，后背正朝着我。于是我便想离去，就在这时，我刚把头缩回，就看到一团火光突然蹿起；同时，她惊慌叫喊着向着我这边奔来，一团炽烈的火裹住了她的全身，火焰向上直蹿，几乎有她两个人那么高。

我当时穿着一件双层披肩的大衣，在手臂上还搭着另外一件厚呢大衣。我连忙把大衣脱下，朝她冲过去，将她扑倒在地，把两件大衣都盖在她的身上，又从桌子上拖下了那块大桌布，也盖到她身上。这一拖连同桌上所放的一堆破烂东西以及寄居在这里的一切丑陋的东西全给拖了下来；我们就像两个不共戴天的仇人在进行着殊死的搏斗，我把她盖得越紧，她越是狂乱地叫喊着，想挣脱出来。当时我对于这一切情况全无感知，既没有想到，也没有可能知道，直到事情结束后才晓得。等我悟到时，我们正躺在大桌子旁边的地板上，仅仅在一霎时之间，她刚才穿在身上的那件褪色旧新娘礼服已随着火光而变成了一块一块火绒，飘飞在烟雾之中了。

然后我望望四周，看到惊慌失措的甲虫和蜘蛛在地板上四处奔逃，仆役们气喘喘地奔来，在门口就惊叫着。我仍然用尽全身气力压住她，好像压在一个企图逃跑的犯人身上一样；其时我已丧魂落魄，不知道被压的人究竟是谁，不知道为什么我们要扭打，不知道她被火舌卷住，也不知道火已被扑熄，最后见到曾经是她结婚礼服的片片火绒从空中落下，犹似一片黑雨，降落在我四周，我才有所领悟。

她已失去了知觉，我也吓得不敢动她一下，甚至不敢碰她一下。我一方面派人去找医生，一方面仍然按住她，因为我有一种毫无道理的幻想（我也许是有这种想法吧），认为只要我一放手，火又会燃起把她烧化。等到外科医生带着助手赶到，我才站起身来，这时才发现我的双手也被烧伤，这使我大为吃惊。我不知道是什么时候被烧伤的，因为我根本就没有感觉到。

经过医生检查之后，断定她是严重烧伤，不过这关系不大，烧伤并非无救，最主要的危险是神经性休克。在外科医生的指导下，她的床垫被搬到了这个房间，让她躺在了这张大长桌上，因为这么一个场所正适合医生当作手术台对她进行包扎等护理。一个小时之后我再去看她，她睡在大桌上，正是我曾看她用手杖指着，并且曾亲耳听到她说是她死后停尸的地方。

虽然她身上的结婚礼服已被烧得毫无痕迹，可他们告诉我，她仍然保持着她身上那可怕的新娘般的神态。现在，医生们用药水棉花裹住她直至喉头，又用一块宽宽松松的白布盖在了她身上，然而她的那副幽灵般的神态仍然忽隐忽现地表现出来。

我问了仆役们，才知道埃斯苔娜正在巴黎，医生答应我立刻就写信给她，由下一班邮车带去。至于郝维仙小姐的家属就由我来通知，我只准备告诉马休·鄱凯特先生，并且由他决定究竟通知谁。第二天，我一回到伦敦便让赫伯特去处理这件事。

头一天晚上我留在她家时，郝维仙小姐曾神志清醒地谈到发生的这次事故，其活跃程度令人感到反常；到了午夜，她开始口出胡言，然后又逐渐无数次地用又低又严肃的声音重复说着“我竟然做出这种事情！”“她第一次来到这里时，我原来是想让她脱离我曾遭遇到的这种不幸苦难。”“拿起铅笔在我名字下面写上‘我原谅她’！”这三句话的顺序她一点也不颠倒，最多这个句子或那个句子中漏掉一个字，但是她不会补上另外一个字。她总是空下了一个字，然后接着就说下一个字。

因为我留下来对他们也无用，而且家里的事情正压在我心头，所以我十分焦急，十分担忧。尽管她一直说着胡话，可还是无法抹去我心中所想的事情。这天晚上我便决定，第二天乘早班驿车返回伦敦。我可以先走一两英里路，出了镇再登上马车。第二天一早六时，我俯身用我的嘴唇碰了一下她的嘴唇，就这时她还在继续说着：“拿起铅笔在我名字下面写上‘我原谅她’。”